Volume 3 - Norah Jones (again?)

An unprecedented event happened this week as we had a repeat guest! Joy! I’m Rick James, Bitch!

Come away with me (To the mall)

The scene: Downtown-ish location; a department store.

The celeb: Norah Jones

The lowdown: (NOTE: This story I am about to tell is actually the second part of a long dream I had. This first part is included as the Bonus Dream of the Week, so I’m going to go Momento up in this piece and tell the story [somewhat] backward.) Norah and I are in some serious trouble. We are huddled together near a bed in the mattress department of a shopping mall department store (think Sears or JC Penny). I look at the exits and all are well guarded by terrorists that have taken over the store. One of the terrorists comes over by us, gripping his machine gun firmly in his hands, and looks down at us, murder in his cold eyes. I don’t know how this will end, I remember thinking to myself, But I’m not going down without a fight. The guard comes closer to where we are laying and I prepare myself mentally to make my move. Before that can happen there’s a loud crash and a flash like lightning as flash bang grenades explode all around us. I see the terrorists at the door go down instantly. The SWAT team moves in, taking down our captors with brutal efficiency. Suddenly, I remember the terrorist that was coming over to shoot us. He’s recovered from his initial shock and is again looking toward me. It’s too late for us now, the SWAT forces are too far away from where we are to save us. I put myself in front of Norah, hoping to at least shield her from the attack, giving her at least a few extra moments for our rescuers to arrive. The man raises his rifle at me. I look at the cold eyes staring at me through the holes in his ski mask. I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable. My whole body jerks violently as the shot rings forth. I feel no pain. In fact, I feel quite good. I open my eyes again after hearing what sounds like a sack of potatoes being dropped on the carpeting. I stare in disbelief at the body of our potential doom. Looks like the SWAT team was just in time after all.

Flash forward to a few hours later. I am at a Subway sandwich shop in a metropolitan downtown area. Norah is there with her band and we are all relieved to be alive after the incident at the mall. So there we all sit chatting like old friends. Well, they are all chatting. I’m sitting there quietly as they talk about band things. I interject a few times during their discussion with magical lines like “oh, I really like that song”. I feel like such a nerd that I decide to just keep quiet lest I embarrass myself further. Norah gets up and walks over to where the sandwiches are being made (literally 3 feet away; must be a small place I guess) and proceeds to make us all sandwiches. I get the impression that she works there. I guess being a grammy winning singer and selling millions of records just isn’t paying the bills nowadays, eh? After eating our custom made sandwiches, the chatting continues. Norah gets up at one point and decides its time for a little show and tell. She turns her back to me, and pulls down her pants, revealing a very ugly tattoo and her lower back and ass. She pulls up her pants and rejoins her band mates at the table and proceeds to tell me about here time in jail. I ask her how long she was there, to witch she responds “seven to nine days.” I like the vagueness of her response. You’d think if you served jail time, you’d know EXACTLY how long you were there. So I say to her, “Was it jail you went to or a federal ‘pound me in the ass’ penitentiary? (I’d like to thank Office Space for implanting that line in my mind) Everyone gets a chuckle out of that. Several African American guys are sitting at and adjacent table, singing in a barber shop quartet fashion. Norah joins in on the singing and we all live happily ever after (AKA that’s where the dream ends). My psychosis has many levels friends…

Bonus Dream of the Week!

The scene: Department store

The celeb: Norah Jones (GET OUT OF MY MIND!!!)

The lowdown: I’m cruising along at the local department store. Suddenly, I realize that I have the ability to fly! I proceed to do so, since walking is for chumps, to the amazement of all the customers in the store. As I am tooling about the store, I realize that there is something fishy afoot. I notice that spaced out about the store there a several rough looking men concealing what appear to be automatic rifles. I land over in the mattress department. I see a woman there looking at mattresses, oblivious to the danger. I move over to her and I am taken aback as I realize who she is. She looks at me curiously and begins to say something, but I cut her off. “We are in danger, Norah.” Just then we begin to hear what sounds like firecrackers going off throughout the store. Screams and gunshots fill our ears as we search for cover…

So there we have it. That’s it for volume 3 folks. Thanks again for your time and, as always, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.